Auld
Reikie
BY
Giovanni
Pistachio
TITLES.
White on black.
"A film by Giovanni Pistachio"
CUT TO.
CLOSE UP.
A slab of the "Auld Reikie" stone
CUT TO.
Rest of opening titles, white on black.
OPEN ON.MONOCHROME.
Vistas of the city of Edinburgh, edited tightly to music.
(DIR NOTE: - Vistas from Calton hill, one from Arthur seat and one
from
castle.)
Lewis (VO):
Today I sat down with the intention of writing the great American
novel,
problem is I'm not American and
this aint America. This is Edinburgh this is the city I was born in.
This is the city I hate all out of proportion.
To me Edinburgh has always existed in blazing colour.
(DIR NOTE: Immediately "colour" is said cut to colour fireworks shots.)
CUT TO.COLOUR.
Shots of Edinburgh Fireworks.
Lewis (VO, Cont. Lilt in voice)
(Except most of the time that colour is grey) and pulsated to the music
of Bagpipes.
CUT TO.
Shot of man playing bagpipes badly!
Lewis (VO, Cont.)
Make that vibrated to the noise of bagpipes. And well this is the day I
have to go out and face this city...
My friend Alfred is coming by, he knows I've hardly been out the house
for months since Susan left, and I
know he is going to try and get my out and set me up with some dame
he knows... He always does this...
He believes I should be out sowing my wild oats. Problem is my oats
are pretty tame and I'm sure they are
away on vacation! The last broad he set me up with was so dumb. She
looked like a supermodel and had
the brain of a Barbie doll. She... She brings a whole new definition
to the term airhead. She woke up one
day, felt empty-headed, sucked on a foot pump for half an hour and
she has been fine ever since.
End vistas.
CUT TO.
FLASHBACK.
RESTAURANT.INT.NIGHT.
Lewis and the bimbo are sitting having dinner by candlelight. Lewis
says something self-deprecating, and she replies to his put-down.
Lewis
You know what I'm like, my work is so bad, I barely make enough to
starve
on?
Bimbo
Ahhh Lewis honey, don't be so self-defecating.
REVERSE SHOT.
Lewis' screws up his face in reaction to this.
Lewis (VO, OFF CONT)
God she was dumb, self-defecating indeed...BEAT... Now I believe she's
working as an intern for the government.
CUT TO.
Flashback.
CUE USA NATIONAL ANTHEM.
Low shot on floor a woman's feet in shot, move camera up to reveal
that
she is under a desk performing fellatio on a man sitting at the desk.
He
is sitting there with big grin on his face and a cigar in his mouth.
CUT TO.
INT.LEWIS' APARTMENT.NIGHT.
There is a knock at the door, off screen. Lewis comes into frame
from
bedroom, half ready to go and the answer door. He opens the door and
lets
in Alfred.
Alfred
Jesus Lewis you aint ready yet? The women are waiting at the
restaurant.
We are going to be late.
Lewis
Hi Alfred, I'm fine how are you? Why didn't Lucy come up? I bet she's
telling
her lots of bad things about me?
With any luck. What is this girl's name anyway?
Alfred
Her name is Emma, and she's very nice I'm sure you'll like her.
Lewis
You... You know I don't think I should be going out tonight. I should
be
finishing my book. I... I have a deadline
you know?.. BEAT... But I've got writers block and its depressing the
hell out of me. I... I'm too depressed to
go out tonight Alfred.
Alfred
Ah Ah Lewis you aint getting out of it this time. Another night aint
going
to make much difference to your great
"American novel".
Lewis
Well the rate I'm going, neither would another month...BEAT... I mean
just
look at it Fred. I'm tossing so much
paper in the bin, I must have depleted half the rain forest by now.
It's... It's so damned depressing I don't know
why I bother.
CUT TO.
Close up of lots of scrunched up paper on the floor, none of it in
the
wastebasket.
CUT TO.
REVERSE SHOT.
Alfred:
Take your pick artistic integrity or money. You do it for the money...
Jeez don't worry about it so damn much
every writer goes through bad patches. Its par for the course. It's
normal!
Lewis
Normal?
Lewis (cont, VO)
I'm throwing the paper into the bin before I even put it into the
typewriter
Fred, that aint what I call normal.
CUT TO.
INT.LEWIS'S APARTMENT.DAY.
Flashback.Speeded Up.
Lewis frantically taking paper out of bundle and scrunching it up
and
throwing it in the vicinity of the waste basket.
CUT TO.
CLOSE UP.
Paper coming into frame, landing near a wastebasket.
CUT TO.
INT.LEWIS'S APARTMENT.NIGHT.
Fred laughing.
Alfred (still laughing)
I thought you were going to buy a computer anyway? Instead of using
that
old piece of junk.
Pointing to Lewis's old battered typewriter.
CUT TO.
CLOSE UP.
Lewis's battered old typewriter.
Lewis (gesturing during virus bit)
Hey.. Hey this old piece of junk has been with me for years. I wrote my
first novel on this piece of junk.
CUT TO.
INT.LEWIS'S APARTMENT.DAY.
FLASHBACK.SPEEDED UP.WITH MUSIC.
(music)
Lewis is sitting at his desk typing frantically on his typewriter
CUT TO.
INT.LEWIS'S APARTMENT.NIGHT.
Lewis (cont)
Anyway I can't get used to those computers. Every time you press a
button
the bloody things growl at you.
And then... Then there are all these viruses going round. Hey! I...I...
I've been very careful, I use protection
and everything and then some computer is gonna turn my brain into chop
suey? Aah ah, no way I'll stick
to my piece of junk thank you.
Alfred is still laughing unable to reply to the funny way Lewis has of
looking at things.
Alfred
Yeah, ok Lewis ok. What about this woman I'm setting you up with
tonight?
Lewis
Yeah I bet she's another neurotic-narcissistic-hypochondriac, like that
one Felicia that you set me up with
three months ago?
Alfred
She wasn't narcissistic Lewis, and I don't think she was a
hypochondriac
either? She was just a little stressed.
Lewis stutters and gestures wildly unable to understand Alfred's
inability
to see these traits in the girl.
Lewis
Not prrthp... Not narcissistic? C'mon Fred, the woman fakes orgasms
when
she's by herself for god sake!...
BEAT... And... And as for hypochondriac, how many people do you know
who alphabetise their medications?
CUT TO.
Flashback.
Woman looking crazy, sitting in the middle of the floor with a table
in front of her covered in medications, muttering to herself, and
shuffling
round the boxes and bottles.
Felicia (barely audible)
Well that is?? so that comes before??? etc.
CUT TO.
INT.LEWIS'S APARTMENT.NIGHT.
Alfred
Well, this one is totally different Lewis. If I were single I'd be
dating
her myself. She's perfect for you, She's
intelligent, attractive, and she has a wonderful sense of humour.
Lewis
What are you her PR Manager?
Alfred
Come on Lewis! You know you're getting on a bit, it's time to
get out there and make your mark on the world!
Lewis
Hey don't tell me I'm getting old…BEAT… I'm the one who… who only last
week was seeking out a nice
brogue shoe…BEAT… But it's OK I'm fine, today I feel as young
and vigorous as a man twice my age!
Lewis quickly finishes getting dresses over these last few lines. He
and
Alfred exit the apartment.
CUT TO.
INT.RESTAURANT.NIGHT
Lewis and Alfred walk into the restaurant, they walk over to a
table,
the two women sitting at the table stand up.
Alfred leans over and kisses the woman on the left, on the cheek;
it's
his wife Lucy.
Alfred (to Lucy)
Hi honey, sorry were a little late.
Lucy
It's ok darling better late than never...
Lucy looks at Emma, turns and gives nod to Lewis.
Lucy (cont)
Hello Lewis, how are you. This is Emma she's been dying to meet you.
Emma stretches her hand out to Lewis, he stretches towards her and they
shake hands.
ZOOM IN.
EXTREME CLOSE UP.
Emma has a big smile on her face.
CUT TO.
REVERSE SHOT.
CLOSE UP.
We see Lewis in close up; he has a great big grin on his face. We
hear
the Tchaikovsky Romeo and Juliet music coming up on the soundtrack.
Lewis'
eyes widen, as he looks deep into Emma's.
CUT TO.
EXT.EDINBURGH CITY.DAY.
We see several vistas of the city of Edinburgh. Presided over by
Lewis'
Voice over.
Lewis
Ok! So maybe this city aint that bad after all! I mean the almost
constant
rain just gives Emma and I more
time to stay indoors together. And I have wasted so much time that
I'm not going to miss a single second that
I can be with her. Rain or no rain. Of course this is Edinburgh, so
there will never be a time when there is no
rain... Which is just fine by me!
CARD.
"THE BEGINNING"
Cue play out music
Roll credits.
© Owned By Giovanni
Pistachio
16/02/02 02:39:23
Giovanni can be contacted at:-
giovanipistachio@netscape.net
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